Learning to Live Again
by Blackrose Kitsune
Summary: In the face of death we forget that those who are truly suffering are the survivors left behind. Left behind to combat grief. Left behind to combat guilt. Left behind to live. /Sequel to Forever Is or possible after-effect of AGR before Closure happens/.
1. Grievances

Learning to Live Again

Part 1: Grievances

_I still don't own Yuu Yuu Hakusho... gee, saying that makes me feel kinda sad..._

Hiei's POV:

_I keep looking in all the places,  
Where you are supposed to be.  
But I never seem to find you,  
And you're all I long to see._

I sit, perched on the tree branch just outside your bedroom window, just as I always have.

The moon, full at the peak of the lunar cycle, is casting it's silver rays upon the bare earth. Fine whisps of silver clouds hover omnipresent in the navy sky, silver splinters of stars glitter down from the heavens. The breeze is calm, and loose blossoms dance on the breeze. Just another night.

But now everything is different.

For, you are no longer with us. You haven't been for a week now.

Odd how seven short days can stretch a seeming eternity in wake of such times. You've been gone for such a short amount of time, and I miss you terribly, we all do. For you left us so unfairly.

I curse at Enma, himself, for having taken you, and I curse at every other god who may have had something to do with your departure. What reason could they have had to take you? What gave them the right? You had no right to leave, no right to be taken, your time was nowhere near through.

But I guess the Fates didn't really care about that.

They took you anyways. Well, they didn't...

_Tainted blood _did...

Leukemia did.

I don't really understand the disease. I never intend to understand it. But, despite my ignorance, I understand this: Leukemia... cancer... whatever it was, it equaled death. For such a thing as a ningen illness to kill you, it must mean death, simply.

But it's not right.

And it's not fair.

"You're gone," The words feel awkward to say, and even more so to hear, but there's no way around the inevitable.

Damn, there's no way around anything...

But I don't want to accept it.

Accepting it would mean acknowledging the fact that you are gone, and never coming back. I'm not ready to believe it. Not ready to give up on the fact that I have lost one of the most significant people in my life. Simply not willing to say "Kurama's gone."

Your death has shaken me up a great deal, I never imagined one single person's death could do this to me. Death never has before. Yet, now, your's is.

I never realized how much you meant to me.

But now that you're gone, that strikes me painfully. Becasue in life you were always readily there, for me to come to. Now you've left me. All alone. And I can't bare that. Because you shouldn't be gone. You should be here, steady, strong, never lacking in words of wisdom and inspiration for me. Yet, you're not here, and never will be again.

How I wish to see your calm, gentle face

How I wish to hear your calm, wise words.

But time cannot be turned, the hourglass dictating our lives is bolted down firmly in the hands of fate. Fate is fickle, unyeilding and evil, yet such a meek presence dictates all our lives. Or rather, the shallow existances we forge out for ourselves on this vast, green planet.

_I just can't seem to understand,  
What it was that changed your mind.  
All this time I thought I knew you,  
When really, I was blind._

I remember when you had told me that you were ill. You didn't want to tell me, and you remained adamtly stubborn about it too, but then, you were hospitalized, and you had little choice but to talk. You eventually wore down and told me.

_"Why are you in the hospital?" I asked indifferently, sitting on the window pane of your hospital room._

_"I've fallen ill," was your simple reply._

_"Really. Well, how ill? Since when does the great Youko let himself fall prey to human ailments?"_

_"I'm no longer Youko, Hiei."_

_Silence._

_"I don't suppose you are."_

_"I'm not."_

_"Right."_

I sigh silently to myself.

No, you weren't Youko. Of course not, it was apparent, you were Shuichi. But, that still gave you no right to die. Who ever the hell you thought you were, or you actually were, you still shouldn't have died.

You damn hypocrite.

You taught me to cherish life, or at least appreciate it to some degree. You, human-loving bastard, showed me on many an occasion how fragile life is, and told me that it shouldn't be taken for granted, and lived to the fullest with the time you were given.

You damn hypocrite.

_I'm sitting at your window in the hospital room again._

_"I hear there's a treatment for your illness, Kurama."_

_"I suppose there is."_

_"Good, you can get well, and out of this place then."_

_"I won't."_

_"Why?"_

_"I refuse the treatment."_

_"Baka no kitsune."_

_"I'm not stupid."_

_"Then why refuse the cure? Have all the years you spent among the humans addled your brains?"_

_"The treatment warrents hair loss."_

_I snort. "Hair loss? You don't even like your hair."_

_"I don't suppose I ever favored it."_

_"Then why do you care?"_

_"My long hair is all I have to remind me of the Youko I once was, and only for the Youko I once was."_

_"That's a stupid reason."_

_"Yes, but Youko had long hair. And that long hair gained him the attention of a dear friend."_

_"A true friend wouldn't care if you lost your hair."_

_"So, you wouldn't?"_

_Silence._

_Then I darted from the window._

You refused the treatment just to keep your hair attached to your scalp.

Stupid, vain idiot.

You kept your hair because you thought I would turn from you if you didn't have it? You gave up your life just because you were to stupid to realize that if I cared about such stupid things, I wouldn't have come to you in your human form in the first place.

You damn hypocrite.

Giving up on your life just for something like that. Whatever had happened to: '_Life shouldn't be taken for granted, cherish every moment you are given?'_ Whatever happened to your sense, did humanity rob you of it? You always had such a thirst for life, you really did live up to your own words, but then, suddenly you just gave up.

Why?

I don't understand it.

Why would you willingly give yourself up to the darkness, the end. Death.

Why would you betray us.

Why would you so cruelly leave us all behind, mourning your absence?

Why would you do it without regrets?

Were you just insane? Had all the years living a double-life finally snapped your mind? Or where you just tired of cheating death? After all the times you had, it would come as no suprise. Were you just tired of life? Had you finally gotten bored with the game? Or was it something else? Where you tired of all of us coming to you with our problems?

Tired of all the times I came to complain to you. To vent on you. To rely on you.

Had I truly been the cause?


	2. Guilt

Part 2: Guilt

_But know that I don't hate you,  
And I know I never will.  
Because I cared about you then,  
And I care about you still._

Well, was it my fault? I can't help but feeling it is. You had kept your hair for the sake of keeping a friend, and lost your life for the self-same reason. I know well who the friend was that you were refering to.

It was me.

What would be the point in denying it? I knew it, from the time you had told me you had kept your long hair for the sole reason of that one friend. I knew it was me, because as Youko, you were a theif of my calibur, and far beyond, I was drawn to your ability, and to your grace. To your hair. Don't ask why, but I admired your hair.

You knew it.

That's why you refused to lose it.

Ideally, that would mean that I had driven you to your death.

So, it really was my fault, wasn't it?

I have no tangible reason to be angry at you for dieing so willingly then.

Even if I had reason to hate you, I wouldn't.

I couldn't hate you.

Not as my rival in the Makai, not as my fighting partner in the Ningenkai. Least of all, not as my friend, whom I held in highest regards.

I couldn't hate you alive.

And I have no reason to hate you now.

Only one person warrents the hatred I feel so strongly now. Myself.

Becasue I should have done something. I could've done something, but... I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. But, you were killing yourself for my sake, refusing the cure for your vain idea of what you considered my relationship with you to be solely for.

I could have assured you that even if your hair fell out I would be your friend. I could have told you that no matter what form life may have forced you to assume, what your appearance was, I would have been your friend. My opinion of you would never have wavered in the slightest bit.

Like I said, I could have told you.

Should have told you...

But I didn't, pride is an evil thing, isn't it?

_"You have a lot of people questioning your sanity, you know that, right, Kurama?" I'm at your window, it's become a ritual._

_"Let them question it, I know I'm sane, that's all that matters."_

_"I'm not so sure that you are..."_

_"Do tell."_

_"Sacrificing your life for such a reason as to keep the hair you were admired for as a Youko... Humanity seems to have robbed you of your sense."_

_"Perhaps."_

_"You're not Youko anymore, you know."_

_"No, you're right, I'm not."_

_"So why keep something to keep yourself tied to that identity?"_

_"Because, my hair is what warrents me a dear friend."_

_"A vain friend is worse than any enemy."_

_"What are you implying?"_

_Silence steals in on us._

_"Nothing."_

_"I see..."_

_I leave._

My pride was always the issue... always the thing stopping me. It stopped me from telling you, stopped me from saving you.

Why must pride do this? I lost Yukina to pride, lost you to pride. How many more would befall the same fate? I don't wish to ponder that, though, seemingly, the number couldn't be many more... for Yukina, and yourself were the only beings I was keeping anything from.

_Even though you hurt me,  
I can't seem to let you go.  
But I will go on without you,  
And I want to make sure you know.  
_  
It really doesn't seem right for it to be this way. For it to have come to this end.

The undeniable end.

The end, where our paths divide indefinately.

But it's not fair.

Why should I still be here? Not when I caused this.

Why is it that I may breath freely, when every new breath I take, is one you shall never have?

What gives me the right to continue existing when you sold your very life short just for my sake?

I don't have the right.

No right to be here.

Not when you are gone because of my very existance, my very being.

But I don't have to right to die either.

My death would besmirch your departing.

You died honorably, with noble intention, and good will.

I would be dieing to ease my guilt.

I would die simply for being selfish.

It's not right that I remain alive, and I have no right to die.

You've truly left me in a predicament.

Pride always turns on me in the end, always has, I suspect it always will.

So, I suppose your laughing in your grave now, at me.

At my situation.

Because I'm to blame for all of it.

And I alone screwed myself over.


	3. Understanding

Part 3: Understanding

_It will take time to mend,  
The damage that you've done.  
Broken hearts do heal,  
That's where strength comes from._

I suppose I screwed us both over. You for costing you your very life, and merely because I was too proud to come to grips with myself, and myself, well, because now I have no right to be neither dead, nor alive.

Well, sadly it's a lesson well learned.

Self-intrest should never drown out the words our hearts need to speak in times of struggle. Especially when time is of the escence.

But don't worry. Thing is, I'll have to stick around, I haven't given myself any other alternative, really. So don't worry about me. You shouldn't have from the very beginning, and only now can I say it.

Too little, too late.

A glint catches my eye and I look up at the night sky, the navy darkening as the night forges forever onwards. I see a star, shining brightly and watch it, wondering if that lone star had been the glint I had seen. It seems to shine brighter than the rest.

_"Hiei, what do you believe the stars are?"_

_"Hn. Why should I care? And since when do you pay mind to such trivial things?"_

_"Even as Youko I loved nature. The stars were no exception."_

_"You're no longer Youko."_

_"Does it really matter whether I am, or not?"_

_"Hn."_

_You chuckled._

_"Well, what do you see when you watch them?"_

_"I don't star gaze."_

_"Well, I believe they are souls."_

_"Souls?"_

_"Yes. The souls of everyone--everything--gone from this realm of time."_

_"Souls of the dead? Hasn't your experience in the Reikai taught you anything?"_

_"Has it?"_

_"You know well that those can't be souls. Souls are assessed by Enma and sent on to god knows where."_

_"You're saying they can't be stars then?"_

_"You catch on quick."_

_"And you are far too narrow minded."_

_"I'm not narrow minded."_

_"Then what do you call it?"_

_"I just know the reality of it. There isn't room in life for such pretty little ideals such as yours."_

_"And there isn't a need for the fatalisticness you display regularly."_

_"Just as well. There's no reason for most of what people do."_

_"I suppose."_

_"Just as there isn't a tangible reason for me to be wasting my time here."_

_I turn to leave._

_"Hiei..."_

_I stop._

_"What?"_

_"Don't..."_

_"Don't what?"_

_"Would you turn your back so easily on a comrade?"_

_"And if I did?"_

Stars. It's funny, I'd never really given them a second thought. I knew they were there, and always had been. I didn't really ever care to find out what they were made of, never really cared they were even there, for that matter.

It's just one of those things you expect to be there naturally.

Kind of like you.

Except, they're not like you.

I don't really know what it is, but since your death, I've given much more thought to such trivial little things. Maybe to prove you wrong for once, maybe to figure out why you think of something the way you do. I don't know why. But I do.

Especially the stars. Maybe to prove you wrong--more likely to reason out why.

_"Hiei, would you turn your back on me?" you asked quietly._

_"Why would you care if I did? Youko never cared." I retorted indifferently._

_"I'm no longer Youko, Hiei."_

_"I know that."_

_"Then why won't you accept it?"_

_"Accept? What's there to accept?" I asked annoyed._

_"That I'm not the same being I was when we first met."_

_"Because you're living a lie. Your humanity will prove fatal some day."_

_"People change, Hiei. Circumstances change."_

_"Only if you let them. You've become weak. You're nothing like Youko, your not like the person I came to know back then."_

_"I'm not that same person you met back then."_

_"You admit it."_

_"But, that means nothing. It has no significance to anything."_

_"It does. It changes everything. I don't know the person you've become." I stated coldly._

_"So get to know the person I've become!" you retorted angrilly, your tone adopting a hint of pain._

_I take a step to the window._

_"Admit it, Hiei! You care nothing for me--not for the human me--only Youko!"_

_"What's it matter!"_

_"It matters a lot, Hiei!"_

_"Nothing matters."_

_"Everyting matters Hiei. You matter, I matter."_

_"Wasted words."_

_"You're only afraid, Hiei."_

Maybe you were right. Maybe I was afraid. Maybe I was afraid for no reason, maybe I had reason. But what did it matter? In the long run, it seemed, it didn't afterall, and never had.

_"Don't be foolish, what would I be afraid of?"_

_"Can you really be so blind?"_

_"What would I be afriad of!"_

_"Your feelings, Hiei! You trusted Youko, because you and he were one in the same. But now Youko's gone, replaced by me, a human, the very beings you despise with a passion. Yet, you have feelings for me. Feelings of trust, camaraderie, friendship, and you can't bring yourself to accept it. You're afriad that just because I've become a human I'll turn into one of them and hurt you."_

_"Don't kid yourself."_

_"Don't lie to yourself."_

_"I'm not lieing, you're simply being stupid."_

_"Maybe it is stupid... but it's the truth, and you know it." you whispered._

_"It's not the truth, the truth is simply I can't stand you." I retorted sharply._

_You stay silent._

_"That's not true..."_

_I stay silent._

_"Stop lieing to yourself..."_

_I turn._

_"Think as you please, I'm through here."_

_I leave._

You had been right about all of it. I know it, I admit it. But, why didn't you persist? You could've pressed the matter. You could've forced me to see how blind I was being. You could've changed all of it.

Wait... you could have changed all of it if you had wanted to...

All of it.

You had willingly gone through this. Without regrets, without second thought. Maybe this wasn't my fault afterall.

Besides, throughout all of this, you could've changed your mind. The fact that you didn't, that was soley a decision that lay in your hands, it was no one elses call to make. So this was your choice. It always had been, and always would have been I'm almost certain. Nothing I could've done would've changed your mind, and I finally realize that.

Maybe this wasn't my fault.

_For now, my tears may be falling,  
And my thoughts keep circling to you.  
But soon, things will get better,  
If you have hope, they always do._

I watch the stars, my eyes lingering on the overly bright one in particular. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the stars are the souls of our dearly departed. I can't help but think so now, as I sit staring at one idle little star shining down on me. Something tells me that that one is you.

And suddenly I realize, you had been right all along, about everyting. And then I realize, though you are gone, you haven't left me. I'm not alone, you're right at my side, just as you always have been. As you always would be.

_I've come back the next night to see you. But you don't speak._

_"Kurama, you were right."_

_Silence._

_"Maybe I was afraid. Afraid to come to grips with the fact that you're not the same person."_

_Still nothing._

_"But, the fact remains, you're different. I have to live with that. And I haven't been."_

_"Really, who would've thought it?"_

_"Ever the witt, just like Youko."_

_"Perhaps."_

_"Yes. But still, you're not Youko. You're Kurama, Shuichi."_

_"There's no need to tell me who I am."_

_"I'm aware. But I need you to tell me who you are."_

_"You answered your own question a moment ago."_

_"You are Shuichi. I know you'll never be Youko again."_

_"You're right. Youko is my past, he always will be, and I would do well to remember that. But Shuichi is my future, and you'd do well to remember that as well."_

_"I know that. I know you were right. You're not the same, but you're not all that different."_

_"In hindsights, I'd say you're right."_

_"I was only afriad to accept that fact."_

I was afriad. But, not any longer. Because I know there's no good in it. You aren't gone, you're just away. And I'm not alone, just flying solo for the time being. But that was really all. We were seperated, but not left alone.

I glance fleetigly back to the star.

You're right there, watching over me.

As always.

**Author's Ramblings:**

I revised this a bit. The story in it's self was inspired by the eulogy that I wrote for a friend when her grandfather died of cancer earlier this year, and I suppose for the grandfather I myself lost. I wanted to write this piece to show how the survivors of cancer deal with it, because, really it's not your fault. That's all I wanted to point out with this piece. Hope you enjoyed feel free to leave a comment behind.


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